We’ve Officially Reached Our Limit on Theologically Hazy Country Christian Songs After Hearing This New One

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It’s hard to write country songs.

Well, it’s hard to write new country songs. There are actually only about six or so country songs— and they’ve just been getting rewritten over and over ad infinitum. But country duo LOCASH have a new entry: the theologically-hazy Christian revenge country dance ballad. Actually scratch that, Florida Georgia Line pioneered that entry with their sexually-charged worship song “H.O.L.Y.” Still, this one stands out.

The song begins with the hyper-sexy vocal fry you’d more typically find on an Enrique Iglesias track.

I drink to much
I fight, I cuss
I speak my mind when I should hold my tongue

Okay, we are in pretty familiar territory. The sweeping synths are probably a bit jarring for fans of more traditional country music, but anyone familiar with their heavily-produced digital-banjo dreamwave single “I Love This Life” will be right at home.

When you’re fighting mad
you still kiss me goodnight

He drinks and gets in fights, and even when they aren’t getting along, she still possesses enough grace to let their disagreements go. Such a sweet sentiment. The synths are swelling, let’s hear the hook of the chorus!

God loves me more than he loves you
’cause he gave me an angel to hold on to

HUH? Wait so she’s an angel that God sent for you, because He loves you more than her? You don’t have to be great with women to know that if you start a compliment with “God loves me more than He loves you” that you might be finishing dinner alone.

Just look at the hell I put you through
God loves me more than He loves you

This is not only the least endearing love song ever written, it’s almost like he’s trying to offend the person he’s writing the song to. What kind of sentiment is this? “I drink a lot, and I never admit I’m wrong. Look at how miserable I am! But you’re awesome. God must love me more than you. Huh? Hey, where are you going?”

Look, I get the whole, “You make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world” bit. But saying that God loves you more than your partner takes it too far. It’s like putting your hand up for a high-five and your friend roundhouse kicks you in the ribs instead. It’s overkill and it misses the point entirely.

What songs got rejected from the album’s tracklist?

“I Love You No Matter What (Even Though Your Roots Are Showing)”

“Are You Really Going To Wear That?”

“Almost As Good As Me”

“Why Are You So Insecure”

“You Could Almost Model”