No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom album was one of the first CDs I ever owned. My parents refused to change our answering machine message to “Sorry I’m not home right now / I’m walking into spiderwebs / So leave a message / And I’ll call you back.” I am not a hollaback girl. I love Gwen Stefani.
I do not love Gwen Stefani’s sexy Christmas aesthetic she’s vibin‘ right now.
Gwen, clearly an American legend, was gifted the primetime TV special, “Gwen Stefani’s You Make It Feel Like Christmas” on NBC and I saw more than one butt cheek.
Gwen’s Christmas album, You Make It Feel Like Christmas, isn’t awful and the sentiment resonates. Gwen is truly the happiest she’s been in years and that comes through in the music. She wanted to make a Christmas album because she’s happy. You can’t be mad about that. Gwen co-wrote six of the 12 tracks on the album. The other six are Christmas staples.
The real issue with the album and with Gwen’s “Gwen Stefani’s You Make It Feel Like Christmas” on NBC is that, she’s singing love songs, not Christmas songs. And they’re pretty decent love songs. But, singing them live in front of an audience and turning them into sexy Christmas songs; well that just ain’t right.
I’ve never been to know what is or isn’t actually sexy, but Christmas is not sexy. There’s a reason no one says, “hope you have a very sexy Christmas!”
Take Gwen’s “My Gift Is You” performance from the NBC special. Her three backup dancers were wearing aprons as skirts, so you could really see what they were workin’ with. Last year, I tried to wear jeans with holes in them to Christmas Eve communion. Both of my parents objected. I’m a full-grown adult.
Christmas is not for cleavage or butt cheeks. And since the dancers were wearing aprons, they were also carrying around mixing bowls and wooden spoons. Why? Literally, IDK. But, every now and then they’d take the wooden spoon and do a spanking motion.
I understand that “sex sells,” but do we really need the Christmas equivalent to a French maid costume shakin’ dem hips to spread the joy of the season.
The “My Gift Is You” performance also featured grinding gingerbread men. I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, just in this year alone, but a grinding gingerbread man is certainly something I won’t be passing on a Christmas tradition. Although, it could be a great name for a cookie recipe?
Back to the song– it’s a pretty decent tune, but it’s truly a love song about only needing love for Christmas.
I can’t wait to give all my loving to my best friend
All I want is you to take my love and give it back again
Don’t need no money, don’t need a thing
I don’t even need a wedding ring
All I need is love and the truth
And I got it, my gift is you
No pop star in the world is better suited to sing “Santa Baby” than Gwen. No one. But, the song is already a little “Dateline-y.” Her sexy baby voice makes it feel like a Lifetime movie about a woman who gets tormented at Christmas by Santa.
The special also featured Gwen’s boyfriend, Blake Shelton. Again, Gwen is happy. She wrote this album because she’s like a middle schooler in love. Gwen and Blake wrote “You Make It Feel Like Christmas” together. It’s an upbeat, happy, foot-stompin’ good time.
It’s just not a Christmas song. It’s a love song.
Thought I was done for, thought that love had died
But you came along I swear you saved my life
And I wanna thank you baby
‘Cause you make it feel like Christmas
They changed the entire meaning of Christmas with that verse. Christmas is about thinking you were done for and remembering the birth of Jesus Christ– the immaculate conception of a Savior.
It’s nice to see Gwen happy, but we can’t make sexy Christmas a thing. We just can’t.
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