Michael Phelps is Going to Race a Shark and He Says He Wanted to Do It Without a Cage

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My favorite new sub-genre in American pop culture is the Who Is Better, The Person Who Is Clearly The Best Or Someone Else? competitions. Who is more equipped to be the President, a former elected official or the guy from NBC’s “The Apprentice?” Who is better at boxing, an all-time great, or a guy that competes in a different sport? Who is better at swimming, an apex predator that lives in the ocean, or a guy?


It’s 2017, and these are the questions that America needs answered for some reason. Michael Phelps is the best swimmer of all time against other humans. He swims about 6 miles per hour. On the other hand, sharks swim up to 25 miles per hour. Did they get an out of shape shark to compete for the event? Or maybe a middle-aged shark that has slowed down a little? I’m not sure that Phelps would even be competitive with those.

And how are they going to convince the shark that it’s time to race? How does the shark know where to go? Has anyone stopped to ask why we are doing this? What exactly is Michael Phelps‘ end game here? Are the 23 gold medals just not doing it for you anymore?

If this is what is passing for competition, then I’d like to suggest a few for our collective entertainment pleasure:

A Cookoff between Gordon Ramsey and an orangutan.

A sing-off between Adele and a parrot.

A guitar competition between Keith Urban and an octopus.

You know where to reach me, cable television producers.

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