People You’ll Meet in Every Southern Suburb: Part 2

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As mentioned in Part 1 of this series, Southern suburbs may seem to be filled with homogenous people, but with observation, one realizes the characters are an ensemble cast of sitcom dreams.

And here’s the second set of people anyone who ever enters a Southern suburb will encounter.

People You’ll Meet in Every Southern Suburb: Part 2:

8. Barney Fife

She’s observant, this one. She’s also a fear-mongering internet-abuser. Anyone seen driving a car older than five years old through the neighborhood is likely a danger to the residents and most certainly the precious, snowflake, angel children who have been put on this earth to be worshipped. Please keep anyone who is not exactly like you and me away from us, because they are wrong and meant to be feared. When she’s finished calling the local elementary school to advise them that they should lockdown the school because someone was seen driving by the school in a car missing one hubcap, she’ll post a picture of the car on the Neighborhood Watch Facebook page to let everyone know to be on guard. That picture will be taken from the GoPro her husband set up on top of government property to catch those who do not come to a full and complete stop. Other hobbies include taking pictures of dog feces and posting them on the Neighborhood Watch Facebook in an effort to shame those who don’t clean up after their pets.

9. The Upstate New Yorker

In case you didn’t know, everything in New York is better. Except for the weather, taxes, schools, and the accents, of course. Her husband has an epic collection Ed Hardy t-shirts. His prized possessions are his snow gear and equipment, which allows them to feel like rock stars every eight to ten years when it actually snows enough to utilize it. While everyone else is walking around with bread bags strapped over the tennis shoes, the Upstate New Yorkers are showing everyone how it is done. The only thing that would make that snow day better would be a trip to Wegmans, the glory of which is mentioned frequently. The Upstate New Yorkers are not to be confused with The Midwesterners, though it is a legitimate question as to whether anyone is actually left in those states, since they all seem to have carpetbagged their way here.

10. The Elite Club Members

Formed to be the elite of the middle-class, these clubs are just big enough to be known and just selective enough to be mocked by non-members. The clubs fall under the guise of raising money for the community, but one must be invited to join. It’s all in whom you know, and knowing the right people is easy when you are the right people. Don’t worry, honey, maybe you’ll get an invitation next year.

11. The Divorcees

It was their idea to end their marriages, and they didn’t research the state divorce laws before the told their husbands to “peace out.” So the husbands ended up keeping the bigger homes and the wives end up moving to the lower-priced townhomes. These ladies party and become BFFs with the other newly-single moms. They workout, vacation, and prowl the local wine bar together. A few dalliances into cougar town with younger men aside, they soon begin dating each other’s ex-husbands. Apocalyptic public and in-person arguments ensue and massive shade is thrown on social media. This continues until their teenaged children change the divorcees’ Twitter passwords to stop them from logging on. Eventually a few of the ex-wives and ex-husbands end up marrying each other, promising awkward holiday dinners for years to come.

12. The Homeschool Mom

Often a former PTA Mom, she is now of the opinion that public school is trash. She spends all of her time and money at the teacher and craft supply stores. Her main complaint is that she still pays taxes for schools but is broke from educating her children herself. However, her children are still pure and good, while the rest of those rotten kids are exposed to the wily ways of the world. The children have above grade level academic skills, but their social skills are lacking. After noticing that others have missed church for the past few weeks, her children are known to tell other kids at church that God thinks it is rude if you play hooky from worship services.

13. The Multi-Level Marketing Salesperson

One may think her sales tactics are a tad aggressive. One may also have been pleased when the HOA made her take down the banner from her porch announcing her wares are sold there. But, honey, it feels dang good to be driving around in that pink Caddy, and you look a little peaked. You could do with a little of this new highlighting balm to brighten you up. You should have a party! Then you’ll get it for free and you’ll get 18.5% of what your friends buy. They all look terrible, too! You should have them come so y’all can all do makeovers together. And did I tell you I’m selling statement necklaces now? Just give me everyone you know’s email address so I can send them an invitation. Then I’ll blow up their inboxes on the regular. It’s not annoying or pushy at all. This is my full-time job and ohhhhhhhhh you should join my team! It’s so much fun and I don’t know why people keep saying “pyramid scheme” and “pretend you don’t see her” when they see me coming!