Absolutely frantic – that’s how I felt when I left the hospital with my first child, my newborn son. Sure, I had a copy of “What to Expect the First Year,” but I barely had time to take a shower, much less check a baby encyclopedia to make sure I was doing this whole mom thing the right way. Not to mention, some of my questions were kind of weird and specific (e.g., How much spit up is too much spit up?). Plus, I wanted ALL the answers, not just the one standard answer from a book. I wanted all 5,190,000 results from Google, so I could be sure I was doing what was best for my baby. I googled everything under the sun that first year of parenting. Googling is one of the things we millennial moms do best!
10 Hilarious Things Every First Time Mom Googles:
1. How do you get a baby to sleep through the night?
For a first time mom, this is like trying to find the gold at the end of a rainbow. You’ve heard rumors that it’s possible to get a baby to sleep through the night, but it seems more likely that it’s just a myth. It’s easy to get caught up in chasing this rainbow – following a strict routine, and doing everything by the book to create the perfect formula for getting your baby to sleep through the night. At some point you may feel like you’ve perfected the “formula,” and then suddenly your baby starts waking up again, and you find yourself googling things at 3 a.m. like “when can babies eat rice cereal?,” and “four-month sleep regression.” And it truly feels like you will never get a good night’s sleep again.
2. Can you hold a baby too much?
It’s that off-handed comment from your aunt that just annoys you at first, but then it starts to eat at you. “Am I holding my baby too much?” “Is he going to grow up feeling entitled and being demanding because I enjoy holding him?” Fortunately, ole Google offers that reassurance you need so that you can tell your aunt what she can do with her advice (if not aloud, maybe just in your mind). “No,” Google says, “You can’t spoil a baby.”
3. When will my belly go back to normal?
Granted, your belly’s not nearly as big as it was when you had a bowling ball-sized child in there, but it’s not exactly “swimsuit ready” either. The good news is Google says your uterus should shrink back down to its regular size in six to ten weeks, so don’t worry if you’re still sporting those fabulously stretchy maternity jeans for a month or, ya know, 12 months or so.
4. How do you swaddle a baby?
The whole swaddling thing is way harder than it looks. The nurses at the hospital make it look so easy. They’re all like, “You just fold down this corner, put the baby’s head here, tuck this part underneath the baby like this, and then wrap them up like a burrito.” You nod your head and thank them for showing you, and you’re pretty sure you can handle it. That is, until it’s 2 a.m. and your baby is screaming his head off, and all you can remember is the “wrap them up like a burrito” part, which you try unsuccessfully to do, with legs and arms popping out of the blanket all over the place. This is when it’s time to Google, “Velcro swaddlers.” Those things are seriously life-savers.
5. When do babies smile?
It feels like forever waiting for that first baby smile. You make eye contact and laugh and talk to your baby, and he or she just blankly stares back at you like you’re a crazy person, which to be fair, you probably are at this point anyway. Fortunately, Google says it won’t be too much longer. (Usually sometime between 6 and 12 weeks).
6. ALL the poop questions.
You’ve never obsessed so much about another person’s bowel movements in your life. You’re worried about the texture, the color, the smell.
“Is it normal for my baby’s poop to smell like movie theater popcorn?”
“Is it normal for my baby to poop eight times a day?”
“Is it okay if my baby’s poop is green?”
These are the kinds of questions that won’t wait till the next check-up appointment, and why wait when Google has all the answers now?
7. Why is my hair falling out?
After all your body went through to bring a baby into the world, then your hair turns on you too. Then you start wondering if maybe all your hair will fall out – if maybe you will be completely bald in the next month or so, but once again Google eases your fears, letting you know that it’s normal to have some hair loss as your hormone levels readjust.
8. Is it okay to wake a sleeping baby?
This is the one piece of advice people love to give over and over, but sometimes circumstances aren’t always ideal for baby to keep sleeping just as long as he wants. Sometimes moms need to go places. Sometimes babies need to be woken up to eat more during the night. Sometimes that afternoon nap begins stretching into the early evening, and sometimes moms just need to Google this, just to make sure that it’s really okay to wake a sleeping baby.
9. If my baby rolls on his stomach, is it okay to let him sleep like that?
If there is one thing that gets drilled into a new mom’s mind over and over it’s this: back is best (i.e. always put your baby down to sleep on his back). This gets so ingrained in a new mom’s mind that when her baby starts flipping over and sleeping on his tummy, the new mom freaks out, running back and forth all night flipping her baby over to his back again. Exhausted, the new mom finally googles this question and discovers that she’s been needlessly running around all night since it’s okay for a baby to sleep on his tummy now that he is strong enough to flip over.
10. First birthday ideas and college dorm room ideas.
The truth is there are way more than ten things first time moms google – things like cradle cap, umbilical cord care, baby acne, diaper rash treatments, vaccine research, baby weight gain, first foods, etc. Then suddenly that little newborn turns into a 6-month old, then a 9-month old, and before you know it, you’re on Pinterest and Google checking out a billion different first birthday party ideas. And you aren’t sure whether to be happy or sad that your little baby is about to celebrate one full year of life. It’s a momentous occasion for sure, not just for your baby, but also for you as a mom. After so many sleepless nights, and so many days spent worrying, it’s amazing to think of how far you’ve come. So celebrate that big day with balloons and a smash cake (and maybe a glass of wine for yourself) because you and your baby are moving on to year two, and your days of questioning/googling everything about parenting are just beginning.