Corporations are feeling a backlash (and maybe a bit complicit) from the madness they have created on Black Friday, the most ominously named “holiday.” In order to stand out, many corporations have closed on Friday, started product repair programs instead of sales, or encouraged customers to stay home and shop online. KFC has a completely different suggestion: buy their $10,000 escape pod, wrapped in the loving embrace of the Colonel.
KFC has actually entered the merchandising world, because ’tis the season. Most of their store is sold out, but you can still buy the Internet Escape Pod. Let the Stretch Armstrong version of Colonel Sanders shield you from the internet.
“Cyber Monday is fast approaching, which means you are about to be bombarded with a hailstorm of coupons, BOGOs, hot dealz, and brand advertising. Find sanctuary for yourself and your loved ones under Colonel Sanders and his Internet Escape Pod. Yup, this dome is like a magic force field designed to disrupt the internet coming to and from your devices. We were going to sell this for the ridiculously high price of $96,485.34, but in the spirit of Cyber Monday it can be yours for $10,000. So this Cyber Monday (or really anytime you want; I mean you bought it, so it’s up to you), let Colonel Sanders’ protective embrace take you back to a simpler time.”
If you buy this, you may be as dead inside as that long Colonel. Look at that thousand-yard stare: he has lost all hope, all will to live.
“What have I become?” he thinks. “I was once a business man, a family man. But now? An empty mascot for materialism. A shadowy cartoon of the man I once was. I cannot shield you from the internet! I am it’s mascot.”
Woe to all who enter the so-called “internet escape pod.”